Too Much Information About My Sexual Preferences

Venting about my extreme stress, my sexual preferences, and how they're connected.


So I'm becoming more aware of the fact that I'm quite sexually submissive; and while I've been particularly horny the last many weeks, it didn't matter a whole lot since there isn't anyone to help out with that particular craving.

Being perpetually horny, I bought some sexy panties and some garter-style thigh highs; I feel sexy and confident wearing them, but it was okay that there wasn't anyone to see me in them.

But then a bunch of things happened that were out if my control and made me anxious and freaked out.

So lately, that lust for not being in control, not being worried about messing up or doing something wrong, has become more of an intense need.

I was so desperate, I almost hooked up with a stranger who was my age that I met on Tinder. I was being safe, seeing their face several times, meeting somewhere public, and telling a friend where I was going.
This stranger agreed to help out with my submissive needs; we brought condoms, I brought ties and lube... we met up and it all would have happened, except the place we were going to fell through at the last minute.

So...fairly desperate.

I just... really need to be held down, have my arms tied up, have my hair pulled, being bitten and given hickies, being told that I'm doing good and that they're proud of me.

Getting fucked, sucking someone off, getting eaten out, and/or getting teased would all be fantastic, but not totally necessary.

I need to not be the one in control, to not be the one with responsibilities and things that can be done badly.
I need for someone to tell me what to do so I'm not doubting myself, about whether I'm doing things right.


I need to be able to relax.

Turning 18

It's like picking the petals off a flower.

Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I
Should I
Shouldn't I



It's going in circles

Hey

I don't regret what we did.

I loved it, and had a lot of fun.

I'd like to do so again, eventually.

I don't know if you feel the same way,
but like I said,
Mad bonkers.

I think we have a lot of things that we need to talk about.

I have to talk about this here.

I have to talk about this here, because the two people involved both have the address to my main blog.

Kendall couldn't handle being in a long distance relationship. It hurt, but I understood. After all, it takes two people to have a relationship, and if one isn't comfortable, it's not right.
 So we officially broke up. We were still very close, so I could handle it alright.
But then, somehow, we started doing sexual things again. We even made plans to have rough sex the next time we saw each other. I guess we rationalized it by saying that lots of people do this sort of stuff, sex without a relationship. It was alright.
Then, he cut it off for a second time. I thought we'd figured things out, decided how we were going to deal, but I guess not.
Again, it hurt, but I could deal.
He told me that he regrets this summer ever happening, that he wishes it hadn't happened at all.
THAT hurt.

Because he wants things to be the same as they were back when we were Ascenders. Back then? When Alex and him and I barely ever talked? When we weren't nearly as close as were were later on?
People change, Group dynamics change. We won't ever be the same people we were. But that doesn't mean that the three of us can't be close again, can't figure things out and make things better. Because we can, I BELIEVE we can. I know we can.

He told me that even though it looks like we might be going to the same college, he doesn't think he can handle a relationship with me.
I dont know, I always kinda assumed that if we were close, we'd end up together. So that hurt to hear.
Until, we were facetiming, and I was crying a bit (as I do, cry at the drop of a pin), and he told me that he wanted  a relationship with me if we were close, that he wanted it as badly as I do.

But he wont.
Because he's afraid of hurting Alex. I started sobbing and had to hang up. That, that hurt more than almost anything. Something tore inside of me.

I love Alex. They're one of my closest friends in the world.
But they're also an adult, who can handle it.

During Ascenders, the Group was Alex, Kieren, and I. And when Alex and Kieren fell for each other and started doing sexual things on their own, even though I had some feelings for Kieren, I didn't say a word. I wanted them to be happy more than anything. That isn't to say that I wasn't jealous, of course I was. But I GOT OVER IT. I wouldn't jeopardize our friendship because they were in a relationship of sorts.

And I don't think Alex would do that either. I'm going to talk to them, but I feel that they would love us just the same, just as we love them.
I just don't feel like this third person should be a part of this decision.

I wrote him a letter after I hung up. It was four pages long, basically saying all of this. I waited a few hours to calm down, and then sent it to him.
I don't think he gets it. He's scared. And I understand that, because so am I.
But I'm willing to wait for him.
I'm willing to make this work, to try.


And then there's the issue between Alex and my parents:
They won't allow me to see them. At all. They don't like Alex, and it seems like they've made up their mind.
Or really, my mom made up her mind, and my dad's going along with it.
I don't understand why. They think Alex should've done more to contact me when they moved to Savannah. They think they're protecting me from getting hurt. That's something you do with a six year old, not someone who's almost eighteen.
They want to have a 'meeting' with Alex, but refuse to set a time or place.
Everyone I've talked to, including my therapist, says that this is borderline abusive.
I'm trying to get them to meet with my therapist, so we can talk about how ridiculous they're being. My dad's all for it, and my mom, again, refuses to even think about setting a date.
I don't know what else to do. It seems like I have to initiate every conversation between Alex and myself now adays, and they always cut it short.

I'm at a loss.

I'm lost.

Dear Heart

His name is Kendall


    and



         I love him.








           and


                                                       He loves



                                                                             me.

change

im scared.

things could change. tears drip though tears in my reality.

god im terrified -what they will say.


I wont be able to speak.

 that they will try to force feed me spoonfuls of vanilla darkness, deflecting every thought ive ever had back on to me.

broken

I broke.
so much happened.
I hate them.
I alwys have, but I forgot a bit for a while.
but I remember.
I cut.
and cut, and cut...
they don't seem to care.
god its funny because I actually don't care what happen to me right now.

I can hear them now.
downstairs, saying how its natural consequences.

im broken.